This Is Why No One Wants to Talk To You in Chat or PM—Or Rather: Fill Out Your Fucking Profile

Y’all. This is not that hard. Meeting people in this community for any reason (whether you want a hookup, online play friend, an established relationship, or all of the above) requires effort even before you get in the arena, so to speak.

And time and time again I see all these people making huge mistakes then whining about why no one wants to talk to them. While the populations in this skew cis-het men interacting with cis-het women, it’s not exclusive. As a bisexual woman, I definitely have encountered a number of women who engage in troublesome behavior and expect to be rewarded for it as well.

I’m going to keep this brief, but a lot of it boils down to: demonstrate you are a real human being, treat others like one, and you will definitely see an increase in positive and fulfilling interactions.

Before I run through a list of actionable things that can frustrate those who already do everything I just want to add this: not everyone is cut out for online socialization. It is just a matter of personality and communication styles. This doesn’t mean you are less worthy. But taking the time to get some feedback from others that you trust and assessing their input can help you make adjustments to your expectations and likely offer you workarounds. You can still engage online with people but knowing how you fit in will help you find those who click with you.

These are mostly based on my experiences but are common themes amongst those who are often approached by others on all manner of feedist networks.

Only one of the things on this list are absolutely required. But absence of these things are demerits against you when people are browsing the site or deciding whether or not to interact with you. Investing the time to do these things does not guarantee you the exact interactions you want, but it greatly increases your chances and demonstrates to others you are invested enough to put in what you want out of the sites.


1. Empty profiles and oft-deleted accounts

This is a dead giveaway that someone is only on the site to wank off and walk away. If you don’t take the time to fill out your profile, nobody has any reason to interact with you. Lazy things like “just ask” or the eye-rolling “I’m bad at these” are not the same as actually filling out your profile. Go through profiles and see which ones resonate with you, then emulate that with your own information.

Those who constantly delete their profile after they’re done just to return later is another red flag. We all sometimes delete once or twice simply to start over and that’s fine, but there are those who do it constantly and it’s not a good sign. There are several people with whom I felt I had a good rapport with that do this and it makes me feel used when they disappear again. I won’t interact with them any longer if they show up again. Trust me: people notice if your profile disappears and it’s an icky feeling.

2. No site activity

I personally have a rule about not speaking to anyone on any of the sites that have had a profile for awhile and don’t engage with the community aspect. I need to see how you interact with others. It gives insight into who you are.

If you are actually seeking real connections—even just hookups—these are how people will get to know you. Let it be as easy as possible for people to see that. Let your personality shine. Go into the forums and join the conversation; don’t just slobber all over pics or send DMs. People don’t know anything about you and you have no track record otherwise.

3. No photographs of yourself

You do not have to (and should not feel pressured to) show your face, but you must have more than one picture of your body. Not of your cats, not of your backyard, not of your truck, but of your body. There is no excuse in the modern age for not having photos of yourself. Go take some. (And for safety, make sure they are pics that are not anywhere else on the internet or at least not used outside of this community). Once you have those up, it’s totally fine to load up the photo albums with memes and cats and hobbies.

Think about it—what leads you to talk to people on the site? Empty profiles with no pictures? No—active profiles with a lot of content to consume. Anecdotally, the number of people who drool all over me in chat because of my pictures but have zero up of themselves then get mad I don’t want to talk to them is abysmally high. Let people see you, too. It’s a two-way street, friend. I promise this alone will get you interactions.

If you claim to be “a visual person,” then demonstrate it first. We like visuals, too!

4. Terrible etiquette and bad manners

It’s infuriating I still have to remind people of this but: someone being present on a kink-friendly site is not implied consent to treat them like a kink object. Stop greeting people with pet names without asking if they are okay with it. Stop going for the lowest common denominator. Stop sexualizing people from the outset unless they explicitly state it is okay and welcome. Stop assuming that your specific preferences and fantasies are the standard.

I know this will mostly fall on deaf ears, but I have to say it again and again. It is disgusting, it is dehumanizing, and it is completely unacceptable.

Don’t get mad if someone is slow to respond in chat. Don’t send multiple DMs if they didn’t answer you the first time. Don’t comment on every single picture and then DM them to say the same thing you said on the picture comments. Don’t make comments about your desires (“I think you’re so beautiful and I want to get to know you!”). Don’t assume consent is implied.

5. Assuming the object of your affection is starved for attention

Do not begin a chat calling someone a pig and a fatso just because you like it (this happened to me recently and they were mind-blown that someone would find “fatso” bothersome).

Cis dudes, heed my call: stop greeting women you do not know as “girl” or “gorgeous,” we hear it all day long and it does not send the signal you think it does and many will find it disrespectful at the outset. You wouldn’t greet a prospective employer or a stranger on the street like that, so don’t do it otherwise.

Ask people their names if it is not clear. The women you are approaching on these sites are adults. It is infantilizing and condescending to be referred to as children or reduced to adjectives. A person’s name is the most beautiful thing they can hear. Ask them if they are okay with pet names—some like it and that’s okay!

This doesn’t mean don’t offer compliments, but stop assuming people want them just because you are starved for attention. Remember that there isn’t a single compliment you can offer a stranger on this site they haven’t already heard and they don’t know about themselves. In my dozen-plus years in the community, I have heard exactly one (1) unsolicited compliment that didn’t make me roll my eyes and actually impressed me.

Hearing hollow comments doesn’t keep someone engaged in a conversation. Knowing you recognize their humanity does.

It is a very, very easy concept: you will catch many more flies with honey than vinegar, and that honey is asking for consent. The more often you do it, the easier it will get and the better you will become at reading signals.


And that’s really it! Working on these things signal to others you want to interact with that you are a real human being who recognizes others goes a long way. But you have to put that out there at the beginning. Remember that for every profile you come across that you’re attracted to or interested in to check if you have something equal to offer that the user can see. Can they? If not, consider what you can do.

Another time, we’ll talk about how to start and maintain conversations and how to get that precious enthusiastic consent you want (and should seek before anything else).

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

1 thought on “This Is Why No One Wants to Talk To You in Chat or PM—Or Rather: Fill Out Your Fucking Profile

  1. Pingback: Getting To Know People | Lora Dayton

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