When scrolling through feedist spaces, namely but not exclusively Feabie, I equally encounter two common complaints:

1. “Why are all the cute ones in another country?”
2. “There is no one in my [often large] city!”

It’s rather endearing to see these sometimes. They often pop up within moments of each other and I can’t help but chuckle about it. However: these are really limiting beliefs.

I’m going to state something outright that is going to be a tough pill to swallow if you seek any type of real-life feedist experience: travel is almost certainly going to be part of the package, friends. This is especially true if you are seeking a long-term or otherwise committed relationship.

I don’t mean you should be ready to drop two grand to beeline to New Zealand at the drop of a hat just because someone promised to eat for/feed you, but you all are really holding yourselves back and selling yourself short if you discount the connections you want to make simply because of something so silly as distance. Half the fun of socializing online in any context is the fact you can meet people from all over the world! So embrace the opportunity for adventure if you are fortunate enough to take it.

Here are some reasons you are holding yourself back if you give up when no one is in your city or state:

Online and long-distance relationships are not “less than” proximate ones

I said what I said! How many of us have met close friends over the interwebs in our lifetimes, especially us Elder Millennials? How many of us have dear friends we’ve never set our own eyes on in the flesh, but still consider them a part of our lives? Psychologically, we still get social fulfillment from our digital relationships across the social spectrum. They are not better or worse than relationships we have nearby us in person, they are just different.

You’re only limiting yourself

Maybe it’s just because I’m American, used to long distances, and think nothing of jumping on a plane to go somewhere if need be; Los Angeles to New York is a six-hour flight. It’s entirely possible I’m spoiled by our interstate highway system and that I grew up in the Midwest, often hauling myself across entire states before drinking age without thinking twice except that my engine was tuned and I had a full tank of gas. If there was a show I wanted to see or go along with a friend to their cabin, eight hours in the car one-way was half the fun.

Unless your specific locale is part of your kink (and as an Angeleno, you know, I get it)… which is better: knowing you could meet the actual best fit for each other or simply the most convenient that is just good enough?

Friendly for both commitment phobes and not-phobes

This one sounds weird, but hear me out. As someone who is a (recovering!) fearful-avoidant—that is, someone who both fears and desires connection—I can’t think of anything better suited for me than a situation in which I go about my life for weeks and then either host or visit a significant other for a predetermined time frame. For me, personally, it shows a level of commitment without over-committing: we each have our own lives, but our own dedicated time together. Being able to carve out time where we are each other’s priority makes my Quality-Time love language heart go pitter-patter.

My personal brand of attachment issues stems from a lack of ability to trust, not a lack of desire to. It’s not enough to tell me you’d like to travel the world or country “someday,” but it is more than enough to book the flight and actually get on the plane. It demonstrates a desire to try and follow through instead of letting fears stop you. Additionally, there are some perks in this specific time frame with the pandemic.

And if you are the opposite of a commitment-phobe, what’s more exciting than knowing that someone anywhere else on the planet is so excited to try something new with you that they would travel to do it?

This doesn’t mean that, if things are working out, a pair shouldn’t consider and work on closing the gap, but if dual-country or bicoastal life is working out for now, take it and run!

This leads me to my next point…

Non-traditional relationship paths might be the right fit for you

Getting into a long-distance relationship with someone creates a lot of challenges. But letting that rigidity of what a traditional proximate relationship “should be” like guide the way is only going to hurt everyone in the end.

You’re going to have to get creative, brave, and dare I say… vulnerable with someone effectively and consistently. Because physical intimacy can’t happen until after someone gets on a plane, you will have to re-examine exactly what it is you want out of a relationship. If you cannot bond with someone before getting physical, are you really creating a relationship at all? Or just a fantasy?

Sometimes people don’t know how to move a relationship forward even when they’re face-to-face (and given the dating culture these days, that’s not even just “some” people, it’s most of them). When you give a long-distance situation a chance, you have an opportunity others don’t: to really slow down and let excitement, trust, and anticipation build. You have to pace things more evenly and look further ahead.

Life is short and the planet is not that big

Some of the best stories I have in my life are from travel and not only the fact that I was in a certain place and time, but why.

Here’s the thing: when I share a travel story with someone and provide the context about why I was where I was, that is often just as exciting or interesting as the experience itself. So what if you got on a plane to go meet someone, spent a week with them, and things didn’t work out? Wouldn’t you have rather found out than always wondered what-if? What a lesson to learn, no?

On the grand scale of the universe, humans are infinitesimally small, and the distances we think are vast are nothing. Time and distance even in our own solar system are almost too large for us to comprehend (and ones outside of it are too large for us to conceptualize). Earth is not that large, a few thousand miles like being nose-to-nose with another body in the celestial space.

You’re focusing on the wrong barriers

International flights are expensive and domestic ones add up fast, especially if you have to buy two seats for yourself or have to navigate finding routes on specific aircraft and carriers that you know will accommodate you. It takes months for a passport to process, and add more weeks of stress if a visa is required. Figuring out a new ground transport system that’s different from what you’re used to is daunting. Currency exchange rates are bonkers sometimes and culture shocks are real.

But I’m telling you—none of that really matters. I’m not ignoring the reality of late-stage capitalism standing on our necks or implying you just aren’t working hard enough to earn this but it’s about understanding that the very real obstacles that can prevent us from opening up ourselves to what may really be out there for us are not the issue.

Money, time zones, logistics—these are all subjective inanimate concepts. They are unfortunately very closely tied to the way our lives go, but they are not us all the same. They are not our desires, fears, wants, hopes, insecurities… they are none of those things. They are the stressors, but not the real things that stop us. Affordability and logistics are real barriers but they are simply facts, not something to fear. If we choose to fear, not accept and process, those things instead, you may be denying yourself access to something special.

The airport moment is real (and worth it)

Ever get sucked into the corner of YouTube dedicated to reunion videos? Me either, never once! Nope.

Of course, nothing compares to waking up with someone every morning, but I’m telling you: that moment at the airport is something else. And it makes every minute of struggle leading up to it worth it all. It’s cheesy but true.

I don’t really have anything to say to that point besides that; I guess I’m just a sap at heart.

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

So! You’ve been seeing someone for awhile and you are ready to talk to them about feedism. This is a short and sweet guide about to have that conversation, regardless whether it’s someone you met on a feedist network or out in the wild. I’ve been on the receiving end of both conversations more times than I’d like to share and I feel as though I am doing you all a disservice by not imparting some wisdom here.

This is mostly geared toward thin/average people who have never been fat and are dating someone who is fatter than they are, at any size. Of course, however, it can be useful for everyone and I hope it is!

Before I get started I want to congratulate you on reading this and considering this topic! It’s probably nerve wracking and not likely a conversation you want to have because well, it’s scary! But go you: being vulnerable. That’s actually a good thing and if your partner is a good person, they will admire and respect you opening up to them. So take a deep breath and don’t freak out. You can do this!

While I will offer some prompts and scripts to help you, keep in mind that these need to be in your voice. How would you say these things to someone you cared about? And also keep in mind this is only for introducing your specific kinks, not for negotiating if or how they show up in your sex life with your partner.

Most importantly: this discussion should not in any way happen while sex is imminent. Clothes on, no raging hormones, no flustery feels in the no-nos. Your head needs to be clear. Having this conversation while horny and engaging in activities to relieve horniness, regardless of your intention, will only serve to objectify your partner and possibly subject them to feeling pressure to go along with something they don’t understand or enthusiastically consent to. Neither of you are in the right space to have that conversation.

Ask for consent first.

This is a conversation for another day, but just because you may have met someone in a fat-friendly or fetish space does not imply their consent as an individual. You must ask. Maybe your partner really does want to talk with you about this or has their own kinks they’d like to share but simply just isn’t in a place to have a discussion or wants to wait just a bit longer. Trying one of these will get you far:

• “I’ve really enjoyed our intimacy so far. I’d like to deepen it so we can both get the things we really want and deserve in bed. Do you have any specific kinks or fantasies you’d feel comfortable sharing? I have a few of my own I’d like to tell you about. If you’re not ready to share or talk about this, that’s okay too.”
  
• “I’ve had a great time talking to you and I’d like that to continue. Just because we met on [feedist network] doesn’t mean I see you as a sex object but wanted to open the door to that conversation about individual likes and fantasies if you are up for it sometime!”

And in either case if the person declines, your only answer should be “Okay, no problem!” and you promptly change the subject. Do not abandon the conversation, do not go silent, and do not ask them why they said no. Just accept it. Trust that if someone is already engaging in conversation with you, going on dates, spending time with, and opening up to you that they want to continue so be the reliable person and just continue that path.

Do not make your fantasies about them

Alright so let’s assume that your partner said “Hell yeah!” when you asked to have this discussion. Great! Before you get started, you must be aware of not projecting your desires onto your partner. Remember: even in a setting where the topic is common, you have no idea of knowing that what you like is what they like, or the way you see things happening is the same thing they do.

• If your partner is otherwise not into feedism or anything related that you know of, just keep it short and sweet: “I am into a kink called ‘feedism.’ I find the act of two people engaging in feeding each other very erotic. This also includes weight gain and the admiration of or preference for fat bodies in general.”
  
• If you are seeing someone that you met on a feedist network you can be more specific so long as you are not including your partner in these hypothetical preferences. “I really enjoy soft feeding and spoiling my partner, encouraging them to be sedentary, but also sometimes like to engage in more intense scenes. I find it erotic to know they could be at home intentionally lazing about while I am cooking for them.”

If you noticed: none of these said anything about you wanting to see your partner do any of these things. Do not say something like “I can’t get the thought of you lazing on the couch in lingerie with a gallon of ice cream out of my head!” until you are both much more comfortable with each other. The idea is that you just throw out a hypothetical fantasy, and give them the chance to share theirs or ask questions.

Do not make assumptions and always be aware that a fat person is human first

Some lucky folks are able to introduce this to their partners who were not previously into or aware of feedism and end up finding their ideal feedist! But keep in mind that is rare. I cannot stress this enough: if you believe that the success of a relationship is dependent on one of you getting fat, you are not in a relationship and you need to either check yourself immediately or leave it before both of you get hurt, because you will.

What feedism means to individuals is entirely subjective. If you’re only at this stage of “introducing kinks to each other” in your relationship, regardless if both of you want feedism to be an active, enriching part of it: neither of you are ready to engage in that on a regular basis with each other. Remember that feeding someone to the point of them gaining weight is life-changing. It is hard work. It comes with a lot of harsh realities beyond just expensive grocery bills.

You must make it clear that you do not expect anything of your partner to fulfill these fantasies except to not judge you for them. So long as you do not project it onto them and making them the star of your fantasy show (until there is consent!) you should be in the clear on this.

Be honest and open about your feelings

This is the key part in it all. The truth is that our kinks really aren’t a big deal. They just make our bodies say “hell fuckin’ yeah!” in a way we can’t really help.

But they make us nervous, because it requires vulnerability to express them! When you’re sharing your kink with someone, what you’re really saying is “I am trusting you to accept this part of me without judgment, even if it does not appeal to you.” For a lot of us that means that we will feel all manner of anxieties that can really stop us from truly expressing things. If you’ve been rejected, shamed, laughed at, or abandoned for revealing this about yourself, it’s understandable you would not want to do it again.

The solution, and stay with me here is to: state your feelings out loud. At any point in the conversation (when it’s your turn to speak). Sometimes it works better at the start and for some it’s better to debrief at the end. That depends on you, your partner, and the relationship you’re developing.

Keep your feelings about you only. Something like “I am nervous about sharing this with you.” Don’t add anything else! Pick just one or two emotions and say them out loud. Don’t fill in the blanks or assume what the other person may do or say. Give them a chance to respond. Saying something like “I’m scared you’re going to laugh at me,” complicates it, even if it’s not a baseless fear. They may be nervous, too, and you don’t know if you assume!

And if that person does laugh at you… dump them. At the very least, stop fucking them.

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And that’s really it! Keep the conversation simple. Ask for consent, don’t project onto your partner, don’t make assumptions, and state your feelings. Remember that this is a conversation which requires two-way input, so also provide the same considerations for your partner, too, and give them the same safe space to express themselves.

Now go forth and spread the happy hedonism like the secure, self-assured communicators you are!

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

Do you “come and go” from these communities? This is for you.

Scrolling through feedist networks and forums, a common theme rings out as people discuss their experiences: those who serially delete their profiles only to return again within days, weeks, or even months, are not appreciated and avoided at all costs. At the very least, they are not trusted. Spoken about with disdain and dismissed.

Those who serially delete their profiles generally fall into three categories:

1. Not ready or able to be fully present and authentic in the community. In short, these people are ashamed or afraid of or confused by their desires and what that means for their lives. This does not mean they have bad intentions but are not yet prepared for the consequences of their actions.
   
   
2. Abusers, manipulators, and others actively seeking to objectify people. These are the cheaters, the incels, and everything between. By and large they also experience intense insecurity as those in the first category but they choose to target others to let out their bad feelings.
   
   
3. Victims and others escaping those in the second category. These don’t count and won’t be part of the discussion today.
   

The two types are more of a spectrum and they are not mutually exclusive although most tend lean heavily toward one or the other.

If they delete because they’re unavailable, what’s the big deal?

One may think it’s not a big deal and scratch their heads as to why so many that remain present and active in the community get frustrated by this behavior. But… it’s really not that easy.

Those of us that remain active in the community do so specifically to build relationships. That could be friendships, networking, romance, casual, or even just our relationships with ourselves—as many of us who are fat simply need support and camaraderie from others with similar experiences and feelings. Serial deleters who waltz in and consume us like commodities; our attention; our time; our energy; our emotions… are taxing.

The frustration comes less from the fact they disappeared without warning and moreso the knowledge that we can’t stop them from doing it. They can and likely will do it again… and again… and again. It’s one thing if a person is upfront that they are only there for a brief chat or otherwise indicate their ephemeral lifestyle in early conversations or on their profiles, but the vast majority do not do this.

We already live in a world that literally wishes death upon fat people. The fat kink space is already phobic and toxic, and it’s an extra layer of piss icing on a shit cake when people pretend to care about you only to disappear without a trace. There is especially something painful about hitting it off with someone, believing they have any interest in you as a person only to demonstrate they won’t even treat you like one in the end. No two ways about it, it’s a form of objectification and fetishization that benefits no one in the long run.

And the truth is that they really aren’t anything special or unique. We already have a word for that: ghosting. Serial profile deleters are ghosts.

We have to have thick skin (literally…) to exist in this world, and most can understand that ghosting is not about the ghostee but the ghost-er. But it does not mean there is no impact on the person left behind: regardless if someone is a category 1 or 2 ghoster, the message they send by treating people in this way is that they are not even worth a simple send-off. It leaves the ghostee wondering if they were just a figure of entertainment, lust, and fantasy, or if the ghost was just too scared to admit they are facing their collective internal and external fatphobia and seeing us as actual human beings for the first time.

It sucks and it hurts, every single time.

Uh oh… I think I’m one of those. What do I do?

Well… stop deleting your profile. I can’t know your particular situation and won’t pass moral judgment. I’m personally a believer that if they want to, people can change and that poor behavior does not necessarily mean they are a bad person. I’ll err on the side of cautious optimism that if you’ve made it all the way here, it means that perhaps you know this is not the best course of action and want to correct it.

Here are some actionable things you can do:

• Get out of whatever situation you’re in that prevents you from being present and available. Trust me—we’ve seen it all. We know when you’re sneaking around on a partner or hiding the fact you have a kid. We know. If you truly feel as though that this is what you want, you absolutely deserve it. But if something is stopping you from being able to pursue it, such as an unsatisfying relationship, those fleeting moments typing sweet nothings in private messages will not give you that freedom to be yourself. You deserve better, your partner or family deserves better, and we deserve better.
  
  
• Be honest. There isn’t a single way you can hide what’s going on. We will know. One way or another. There’s a difference between not sharing personal details for the sake of anonymity, vulnerability, and privacy, and then there’s hiding a huge detail like whoopsies, forgot to tell you about my partner I’m deceiving!
  
  
• Re-establish yourself as someone trustworthy. If you’re cheating on a partner to poke around here, it’s never innocent. You’re also communicating ahead of time to this community that you’ll deceive them, a group of people that are regularly used, deceived, abused, and objectified by our own insiders and the rest of the world. You will have to invest heavily with the community, be transparent, and basically change your behavior. That’s a genuine apology.
  
  
• If you feel as though you must flee: consider simply deactivating notifications and clearing out your profile, but don’t delete it. We all need a break sometimes or just taper off as other things about life sweep us off in its current. That’s normal and okay. Personally, when I have those moments, I simply indicate on my profiles that I’m on a break or hiatus and will send off a message to a few friends. I log out and forget about it for awhile until I’m ready to return.

That’s a lot…

I’m not here to tell you how to live your life. I’m just saying that if you are more of a category 1 feedist ghoster, it’s in your best interest to recalibrate your modus operandi. Your individual comfort and thoughts simply don’t change the fact that you are using people by deleting and leaving without warning and that it does impact them. Do you want fat, fat-positive, and feedist people in your life? Then stop treating them as disposable. Stick around long enough and people will want you in theirs, too.

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

Y’all. This is not that hard. Meeting people in this community for any reason (whether you want a hookup, online play friend, an established relationship, or all of the above) requires effort even before you get in the arena, so to speak.

And time and time again I see all these people making huge mistakes then whining about why no one wants to talk to them. While the populations in this skew cis-het men interacting with cis-het women, it’s not exclusive. As a bisexual woman, I definitely have encountered a number of women who engage in troublesome behavior and expect to be rewarded for it as well.

I’m going to keep this brief, but a lot of it boils down to: demonstrate you are a real human being, treat others like one, and you will definitely see an increase in positive and fulfilling interactions.

Before I run through a list of actionable things that can frustrate those who already do everything I just want to add this: not everyone is cut out for online socialization. It is just a matter of personality and communication styles. This doesn’t mean you are less worthy. But taking the time to get some feedback from others that you trust and assessing their input can help you make adjustments to your expectations and likely offer you workarounds. You can still engage online with people but knowing how you fit in will help you find those who click with you.

These are mostly based on my experiences but are common themes amongst those who are often approached by others on all manner of feedist networks.

Only one of the things on this list are absolutely required. But absence of these things are demerits against you when people are browsing the site or deciding whether or not to interact with you. Investing the time to do these things does not guarantee you the exact interactions you want, but it greatly increases your chances and demonstrates to others you are invested enough to put in what you want out of the sites.

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1. Empty profiles and oft-deleted accounts

This is a dead giveaway that someone is only on the site to wank off and walk away. If you don’t take the time to fill out your profile, nobody has any reason to interact with you. Lazy things like “just ask” or the eye-rolling “I’m bad at these” are not the same as actually filling out your profile. Go through profiles and see which ones resonate with you, then emulate that with your own information.

Those who constantly delete their profile after they’re done just to return later is another red flag. We all sometimes delete once or twice simply to start over and that’s fine, but there are those who do it constantly and it’s not a good sign. There are several people with whom I felt I had a good rapport with that do this and it makes me feel used when they disappear again. I won’t interact with them any longer if they show up again. Trust me: people notice if your profile disappears and it’s an icky feeling.

2. No site activity

I personally have a rule about not speaking to anyone on any of the sites that have had a profile for awhile and don’t engage with the community aspect. I need to see how you interact with others. It gives insight into who you are.

If you are actually seeking real connections—even just hookups—these are how people will get to know you. Let it be as easy as possible for people to see that. Let your personality shine. Go into the forums and join the conversation; don’t just slobber all over pics or send DMs. People don’t know anything about you and you have no track record otherwise.

3. No photographs of yourself

You do not have to (and should not feel pressured to) show your face, but you must have more than one picture of your body. Not of your cats, not of your backyard, not of your truck, but of your body. There is no excuse in the modern age for not having photos of yourself. Go take some. (And for safety, make sure they are pics that are not anywhere else on the internet or at least not used outside of this community). Once you have those up, it’s totally fine to load up the photo albums with memes and cats and hobbies.

Think about it—what leads you to talk to people on the site? Empty profiles with no pictures? No—active profiles with a lot of content to consume. Anecdotally, the number of people who drool all over me in chat because of my pictures but have zero up of themselves then get mad I don’t want to talk to them is abysmally high. Let people see you, too. It’s a two-way street, friend. I promise this alone will get you interactions.

If you claim to be “a visual person,” then demonstrate it first. We like visuals, too!

4. Terrible etiquette and bad manners

It’s infuriating I still have to remind people of this but: someone being present on a kink-friendly site is not implied consent to treat them like a kink object. Stop greeting people with pet names without asking if they are okay with it. Stop going for the lowest common denominator. Stop sexualizing people from the outset unless they explicitly state it is okay and welcome. Stop assuming that your specific preferences and fantasies are the standard.

I know this will mostly fall on deaf ears, but I have to say it again and again. It is disgusting, it is dehumanizing, and it is completely unacceptable.

Don’t get mad if someone is slow to respond in chat. Don’t send multiple DMs if they didn’t answer you the first time. Don’t comment on every single picture and then DM them to say the same thing you said on the picture comments. Don’t make comments about your desires (“I think you’re so beautiful and I want to get to know you!”). Don’t assume consent is implied.

5. Assuming the object of your affection is starved for attention

Do not begin a chat calling someone a pig and a fatso just because you like it (this happened to me recently and they were mind-blown that someone would find “fatso” bothersome).

Cis dudes, heed my call: stop greeting women you do not know as “girl” or “gorgeous,” we hear it all day long and it does not send the signal you think it does and many will find it disrespectful at the outset. You wouldn’t greet a prospective employer or a stranger on the street like that, so don’t do it otherwise.

Ask people their names if it is not clear. The women you are approaching on these sites are adults. It is infantilizing and condescending to be referred to as children or reduced to adjectives. A person’s name is the most beautiful thing they can hear. Ask them if they are okay with pet names—some like it and that’s okay!

This doesn’t mean don’t offer compliments, but stop assuming people want them just because you are starved for attention. Remember that there isn’t a single compliment you can offer a stranger on this site they haven’t already heard and they don’t know about themselves. In my dozen-plus years in the community, I have heard exactly one (1) unsolicited compliment that didn’t make me roll my eyes and actually impressed me.

Hearing hollow comments doesn’t keep someone engaged in a conversation. Knowing you recognize their humanity does.

It is a very, very easy concept: you will catch many more flies with honey than vinegar, and that honey is asking for consent. The more often you do it, the easier it will get and the better you will become at reading signals.

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And that’s really it! Working on these things signal to others you want to interact with that you are a real human being who recognizes others goes a long way. But you have to put that out there at the beginning. Remember that for every profile you come across that you’re attracted to or interested in to check if you have something equal to offer that the user can see. Can they? If not, consider what you can do.

Another time, we’ll talk about how to start and maintain conversations and how to get that precious enthusiastic consent you want (and should seek before anything else).

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.