How To Have “The Kink” Talk With Your Partner

So! You’ve been seeing someone for awhile and you are ready to talk to them about feedism. This is a short and sweet guide about to have that conversation, regardless whether it’s someone you met on a feedist network or out in the wild. I’ve been on the receiving end of both conversations more times than I’d like to share and I feel as though I am doing you all a disservice by not imparting some wisdom here.

This is mostly geared toward thin/average people who have never been fat and are dating someone who is fatter than they are, at any size. Of course, however, it can be useful for everyone and I hope it is!

Before I get started I want to congratulate you on reading this and considering this topic! It’s probably nerve wracking and not likely a conversation you want to have because well, it’s scary! But go you: being vulnerable. That’s actually a good thing and if your partner is a good person, they will admire and respect you opening up to them. So take a deep breath and don’t freak out. You can do this!

While I will offer some prompts and scripts to help you, keep in mind that these need to be in your voice. How would you say these things to someone you cared about? And also keep in mind this is only for introducing your specific kinks, not for negotiating if or how they show up in your sex life with your partner.

Most importantly: this discussion should not in any way happen while sex is imminent. Clothes on, no raging hormones, no flustery feels in the no-nos. Your head needs to be clear. Having this conversation while horny and engaging in activities to relieve horniness, regardless of your intention, will only serve to objectify your partner and possibly subject them to feeling pressure to go along with something they don’t understand or enthusiastically consent to. Neither of you are in the right space to have that conversation.

This is a conversation for another day, but just because you may have met someone in a fat-friendly or fetish space does not imply their consent as an individual. You must ask. Maybe your partner really does want to talk with you about this or has their own kinks they’d like to share but simply just isn’t in a place to have a discussion or wants to wait just a bit longer. Trying one of these will get you far:

  • “I’ve really enjoyed our intimacy so far. I’d like to deepen it so we can both get the things we really want and deserve in bed. Do you have any specific kinks or fantasies you’d feel comfortable sharing? I have a few of my own I’d like to tell you about. If you’re not ready to share or talk about this, that’s okay too.”
  • “I’ve had a great time talking to you and I’d like that to continue. Just because we met on [feedist network] doesn’t mean I see you as a sex object but wanted to open the door to that conversation about individual likes and fantasies if you are up for it sometime!”

And in either case if the person declines, your only answer should be “Okay, no problem!” and you promptly change the subject. Do not abandon the conversation, do not go silent, and do not ask them why they said no. Just accept it. Trust that if someone is already engaging in conversation with you, going on dates, spending time with, and opening up to you that they want to continue so be the reliable person and just continue that path.

Do not make your fantasies about them

Alright so let’s assume that your partner said “Hell yeah!” when you asked to have this discussion. Great! Before you get started, you must be aware of not projecting your desires onto your partner. Remember: even in a setting where the topic is common, you have no idea of knowing that what you like is what they like, or the way you see things happening is the same thing they do.

  • If your partner is otherwise not into feedism or anything related that you know of, just keep it short and sweet: “I am into a kink called ‘feedism.’ I find the act of two people engaging in feeding each other very erotic. This also includes weight gain and the admiration of or preference for fat bodies in general.”
  • If you are seeing someone that you met on a feedist network you can be more specific so long as you are not including your partner in these hypothetical preferences. “I really enjoy soft feeding and spoiling my partner, encouraging them to be sedentary, but also sometimes like to engage in more intense scenes. I find it erotic to know they could be at home intentionally lazing about while I am cooking for them.”

If you noticed: none of these said anything about you wanting to see your partner do any of these things. Do not say something like “I can’t get the thought of you lazing on the couch in lingerie with a gallon of ice cream out of my head!” until you are both much more comfortable with each other. The idea is that you just throw out a hypothetical fantasy, and give them the chance to share theirs or ask questions.

Do not make assumptions and always be aware that a fat person is human first

Some lucky folks are able to introduce this to their partners who were not previously into or aware of feedism and end up finding their ideal feedist! But keep in mind that is rare. I cannot stress this enough: if you believe that the success of a relationship is dependent on one of you getting fat, you are not in a relationship and you need to either check yourself immediately or leave it before both of you get hurt, because you will.

What feedism means to individuals is entirely subjective. If you’re only at this stage of “introducing kinks to each other” in your relationship, regardless if both of you want feedism to be an active, enriching part of it: neither of you are ready to engage in that on a regular basis with each other. Remember that feeding someone to the point of them gaining weight is life-changing. It is hard work. It comes with a lot of harsh realities beyond just expensive grocery bills.

You must make it clear that you do not expect anything of your partner to fulfill these fantasies except to not judge you for them. So long as you do not project it onto them and making them the star of your fantasy show (until there is consent!) you should be in the clear on this.

Be honest and open about your feelings

This is the key part in it all. The truth is that our kinks really aren’t a big deal. They just make our bodies say “hell fuckin’ yeah!” in a way we can’t really help.

But they make us nervous, because it requires vulnerability to express them! When you’re sharing your kink with someone, what you’re really saying is “I am trusting you to accept this part of me without judgment, even if it does not appeal to you.” For a lot of us that means that we will feel all manner of anxieties that can really stop us from truly expressing things. If you’ve been rejected, shamed, laughed at, or abandoned for revealing this about yourself, it’s understandable you would not want to do it again.

The solution, and stay with me here is to: state your feelings out loud. At any point in the conversation (when it’s your turn to speak). Sometimes it works better at the start and for some it’s better to debrief at the end. That depends on you, your partner, and the relationship you’re developing.

Keep your feelings about you only. Something like “I am nervous about sharing this with you.” Don’t add anything else! Pick just one or two emotions and say them out loud. Don’t fill in the blanks or assume what the other person may do or say. Give them a chance to respond. Saying something like “I’m scared you’re going to laugh at me,” complicates it, even if it’s not a baseless fear. They may be nervous, too, and you don’t know if you assume!

And if that person does laugh at you… dump them. At the very least, stop fucking them.

And that’s really it! Keep the conversation simple. Ask for consent, don’t project onto your partner, don’t make assumptions, and state your feelings. Remember that this is a conversation which requires two-way input, so also provide the same considerations for your partner, too, and give them the same safe space to express themselves.

Now go forth and spread the happy hedonism like the secure, self-assured communicators you are!

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