Author Archives: loradayton

Whoopsies!

Hey everyone, I’m alive! I didn’t mean to go MIA. February got the best of me, not in a good way, and then I immediately turned around and had a nice vacation—a word I haven’t been able to use in a long time! The sucky part is that I had to turn right around from that and go back to work and so I’ve been busier than I expected. But I’m just about caught up on life stuff and will have two (2!!) updates for you before the month is out.

I will return emails and messages throughout the next week or so. Thank you for your patience!

The Radford Files: RENO-1

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Rejoice! New work!

To most Americans, it was odd to see these groups cooperate so well in ways they hadn’t before. Fatphobia was officially outlawed and regulated, and no one was being required to adhere to it, so what was the problem? Why were they raising such a stink?

The truth is that these groups all saw the writing on the wall. They knew what was coming: enforcement.

Does that pique your interest? Head over to my DeviantART for the full scoop. This will launch in full later in the spring. Typically, I’d wait until I had artwork and formatting ready but I just couldn’t anymore. I’ve been working on this for so long! So consider this a soft pre-launch.

In my last post, I mentioned some new things were coming. It’s very late for me and I was pushing to get this polished and ready before bed, so here’s the quick-n-dirty list:

  • COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN! Not only are they open but you get instant quotes. Seriously, go try it!
  • SITE STORE and GUMROAD are OPEN! I upgraded the site and everything purchased through here is secure but if you’re just used to another merchant, there you go.
  • The Tasty ’20 Collection is LIVE: I compiled several of my stories into an affordable bundle. Available in all my stores 🙂
  • Some site reorganization: I changed up the fonts and tweaked a few settings, but didn’t want to go all-out on a full re-design. If you use mobile you won’t notice, but the menus have changed and been condensed, new items added, etc.

That’s all for now, friends. 

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

Hi, hello

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I didn’t mean to be gone for as extra long as I was!

So the good news is that I have good news, but I am too tired to go into detail, so this is just a good-news-precursor to good news.

I meant to make my first-post-of-2023 have a lot of pizzazz and sparkle and stuff but glitter sucks and gets jammed in everything so I’m just gonna break it down a bit. Also I fell down a goddamn escalator* the other day and that might have a wee bit of influence on how half-assed this will be.

So, here’s what’s coming this year:

More stories—on the regular

This was something I actually planned for last year but too many things happened and just didn’t stop. I also didn’t have enough material and resources ready to do it, but I do now! I’m going to be releasing stories/installments on a monthly basis. Not necessarily regular monthly basis, but during every calendar month. So you might get one on the 28th and then the next on the 5th. Who knows! I was hoping to drop the first one with this entry but I just don’t have that juice yet. But it’ll be exciting when I do 🙂

More storefronts!

I actually have this ready to go! One of them, anyway. Well, two. But I have to do some integration a bit with the website I haven’t had much time or energy to do, but it will be launched shortly-ish.

I am also considering pulling my stuff from Amazon because you cheap asswipes keep returning my books which I then pay for. It’s fucking erotica, my friends. My stuff is dirt-cheap. There is no excuse. Stop it.

And another thing…

Little do many of you know, but I keep screenshots. I have a “good” and “bad” folder. Guess which one is chock full of misogyny, entitlement, racism, sexism, ableism, and all manner of social ineptitude?

I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while. These are going to be anonymized and used mostly as, erm, well, education. They arent for relationships that went bad or fights between friends or anything but people who have terrible internet ettiquette that don’t see anyone on the receiving end of their abuse as human beings. Basically: what not to do.

This is not the first priority, but it’s definitely on the list this year to start. So get ready for that!

That’s it for now! Get ready for a lot more actual content from me, starting sometime before the end of the month.

*The escalator is fine. I have a cane now. Been shaking at kids to get off my damn lawn all day.

See You Soon!

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I had hoped to have a number of things ready around Christmas but they’ll have to wait just a bit longer. A new store(s), stories, etc.

After I finished Nanowrimo (and I won! With lots of kinky goodness to edit…) I basically have had my ass handed to me at work and it isn’t likely to let up before the holiday.

Everything is fine, I just need to take an extra breather right now. And, gentle reminder to be kind to literally anyone you have to encounter working during this season—work stress means I’m getting a lot of furious email and voicemails that people think no one reads but I do, heh, and it just takes a toll.

It’s a temporary thing with my job and it’ll pass. I’m fortunate to have a lot of experience with it and I don’t take it personally but it does mean I need some extra time for myself to rest and relax (and book a massage or three).

If things let up and I get the energy to launch the projects I’ve been working on before the new year then, surprise! But if not I’ll see you all very soon.

If you need a steamy Christmassy feedist romp in the meantime I’d like to suggest this:

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

I Have Something to Confess

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I have something to confess. It’s actually several things but it boils just down to one thing in the end. And it’s not something that impacts anyone really but myself, though it’s meant to be a foundation for later discussions when the time comes.

This is not going to be a brief one. Double-fist your beverage or snack of choice and settle in.

It’s something I’ve always wanted to discuss but just knew it wasn’t the right time. Then I had an epiphany recently and the last puzzle piece squeezed into place. So many things made sense and I could find a common string to tie all my thoughts together and I wanted to talk about it here before anywhere else.

I’ve never quite felt that my body really belonged anywhere. I don’t mean me as a person but my body in spaces meant to attract people to it. I’ve discovered over the years that I am both too fat for the normie/vanilla crowd and too thin for the FA crowd. Neither have any problem expressing their disappointment.

To their credit, the normies drool over me until the clothes come off. They are often much more polite and reserved about it. We finish up and then they decline another date later. Some are honest and say my body turned them off once they saw it. I’ve never been accused of catfishing or anything.

The FAs are much more demanding, overt, and steamrolling. My desires and enjoyment do not even register as a possibility to them. The other fat people in the community gatekeep fatness; if one does not meet a numerical standard, then they can’t possibly be fat enough to be considered big and beautiful. And if one was that size previously but is no longer, regardless of the reason, they are shunned for hating themselves.

The message here today is not to create factions, judge others, or kink shame. There’s a much longer conversation for another day about the rampant fatphobia in the FA community. Today I am just talking about me and my experience, and the constant message about my body is that it’s always both too much and never enough.

I’m well aware of my reputation. People either love me or hate me and I don’t care either way. I know that it’s due to my high standards for engagement, my advocacy, my commitment to integrity, and my refusal to give in to regressive behavior just for instant gratification. That is to say, if you don’t step up and pay the toll, you don’t get to play. I don’t let you in my space. And that toll is demonstrating you understand I am an actual human first and foremost—because when you do that, you are investing in yourself the same way. It’s not a one-way street.

I don’t owe anyone reasons for why I am the way I am, but I also feel as though if I did share them, I would be misunderstood for simply trying to say that even in these communities, people who actually are or have been fat may still need support and humanity about things related to their fatness that can’t be solved with an orgasm. I’m one of them, but I am rarely granted that consideration at face value.

One of the reasons I feel this way is because the body that I have is the direct result of decades of disordered eating. I used to think it was just a minor thing that bubbled under the current of the rest of my life, just something in the background. But after doing a lot of trauma work this year, I realized that it was not a minor thing at all. It was and is a significant part of my life story.

Content warning from here on out: discussion of eating disorders, body image, and fatphobia, but no graphic descriptions of behaviors.

Gains and losses

It’s not unheard of that a feedist in this community would have had an eating disorder. I know I am not the first and I won’t be the last. But for the few with whom I could connect and empathize, it felt like we had to keep it a secret, even if it wasn’t. I currently do not have any formal diagnoses but after a lot of work with my health care team, it’s not something we’re leaving off the table. I’m still at risk.

When I first drafted this I went into a very long spiel about how and what and everything. But there is no way to tell it in a compact way and it wasn’t working. For all my writing and sharing of thoughts, I am still an intensely private person and I am careful about what I share and why.

I just really want to boil it down to this: I developed binge eating disorder at the age of 12 following a brief but intense period of total upheaval in my life. A number of traumatic things happened in a very short time frame and those things then continued all the way through young adulthood when I left for college. I don’t recall my exact highest weight but it was around 290 pounds at the age of 17. I had always been a slightly thicker kid upthrough my tweens but never The Fat Kid™ until I was 13. I don’t recall exactly what my “starting” weight was at that age (being a child, I was still growing anyway) but I believe I may have doubled it.

I was fortunate that near the end of my teens and the start of young adulthood a number of small but critically important things showed up in my life and changed things drastically. I regained some control and agency and somehow shook off the horror, guilt, and shame I felt about myself and my body—things that a 17-year-old should never have had to face at all. I was able to start loving myself for who and what I was and when I started practicing that self-love and owning the agency I had, weight started coming off on its own.

There was no plan, no goal, no nothing. I honestly didn’t even care if I did lose weight. But the more I chose to invest in myself the more my body changed. I ate what made my body feel good, I moved in a way that it enjoyed when I wanted to move it, and I enriched my life with friends, activities, and education that were fulfilling.

But life is life and trauma kept happening, usually in tsunamis. I no longer binged but I developed orthorexia or something similar to it in my late 20s. My weight then plummeted. According to a BMI chart or a physician I was a “normal” weight but I didn’t feel right. I didn’t look right. I was definitely underweight for what my body needed. I got that under control. I moved to California, put a bit of weight back on that was welcome and a relief… and then a bit more that was not so welcome and a burden to my mental health.

It really wasn’t a lot that I regained. My body hasn’t really changed all that much over the years since the move, but enough for me to notice. I spent time in the gym and put on some muscle after years of only focusing on cardio work and fat loss. In my early 30s, orthorexia came back in full force when I thought keto would be a great idea. It was certainly effective, but I only planned to do it for 8-12 weeks. It turned into almost six months and I had to quit cold turkey when I realized I was on the path to full-blown anorexia.

That is all very difficult to talk about. Eating disorders affect more fat people (and men!) than thin people, but time and time again the messaging I received especially as a teenager was simply to lose weight. There was no help, no one to point out “Hey, this is not a healthy relationship with food, are you okay? Is something wrong?” Because I simply wasn’t the size or shape society expected and so of course I owed this to them. I did this all entirely by myself without even understanding what I was processing and working through, just because of course a fat person should be working on a way to be less fat.

Things are much better now and I’ve really pushed myself the past few months in therapy to get to the bottom of these things and really pick them apart. In doing so I’ve been able to start putting together some thoughts and discussions that I’ve always felt and often discussed with close friends in private.

So, then how did you come about feedism…?

I know it may seem obvious: a fat girl gets fatter because she’s so traumatized that the only good thing she has in her life is food, therefore, welcome to sexuality! But that really isn’t how it worked for me and I sincerely don’t think they’re connected.

I didn’t start getting into feedism until the binge eating stopped and I had a much better handle on how to care for myself and started seeing results. My kinks always started with body inflation and while I knew feedism and fat appreciation had a big overlap. I think it was just too much for me while I was living the nightmare version of it in my real life. And I simply just didn’t feel attractive in any way. Once I was able to embrace that, I think that’s when it became safer for me to explore and enjoy. It wasn’t instant and it took a long time. And anyone who has ever played with me in that space knows that I don’t just do it with anyone and my limits are non-negotiable, just as I would respect theirs.

Me at my larger sizes were the direct result of intense trauma, abuse, and neglect. I ended up as heavy as I did because of fatphobia. I got regular checkups, had close relationships with teachers and social workers in my life, and not a single one of them ever realized that there may have been something wrong beyond just “willpower.”

There is no way, under any circumstances, I would ever willingly return to it. It’s not what I want. But I do struggle all the time with the constant messaging and pressure from others, even when it’s not directed at me. Knowing that I do know what real-life fatphobia feels like, both external and internal. Knowing that my weight loss wasn’t from self-hatred but self-love. Knowing that just because I fit into a straight size now does not mean my body is meant for the clothes and trust me, it’s just as much of a struggle, sometimes even more now, to style and dress myself because of all the baggage that comes with it.

The moral of the story…

These are very real things that affect me and I know I am not alone in this. There are longer conversations to have about the community at large and those will come in time, but I just felt the need to start saying some things out loud now, hoping it will resonate with others who may feel just as reserved about it or that they can’t share this side of themselves in this community.

I have to admit that one of the reasons I never felt ready to discuss some of this was that I often feel I’d end up trying to prove myself when I know I don’t have to. In FA-land, before and after pictures can be quite exciting and arousing for some. I know I enjoy them myself from time to time. But there’s something different about knowing I am only perceived one way and having to show that yes, I was bigger and no, I don’t owe my size or fatness to anyone or have to earn my place in this community just because I’m not as large as other people and don’t want to be.

Because outside of FA-land, in diet-culture-disordered-eating-breeding-ground-land, before and after pictures are harmful. They really are. And so I’ve just refused to show any of that, both for my mental health and personal safety.

But it’s hard, you know. It’s hard to explain that I both love myself and my body for what it is but then also still have to say in the same breath that it is constant work and a constant struggle. Self-love doesn’t cure the impacts of trauma. It helps and it’s a tool to use in the hard times but the secret is that our triggers and wounds never go away, we just learn how to manage the control they have of our lives.

I’m in one of those periods now. To put it lightly, this year has sucked a big one. I’ve been getting clotheslined by new traumas every time I stand up for the past 8-9 months, while also processing old ones. Fortunately, while there is still a mild urge to throw a wrench in my relationship with food and my body, I haven’t actually followed through. I’m finally coming to a place where I know I’m truly healing that part of me because I realized I don’t really want to give in to that dysfunction. It’s actually improved a lot with the way I feel and move in the FA spaces. I have a right to be here, exactly as I am. I’ve always known that consciously but now I own it in a different way.

I think I had to do this—essentially come out about it—in order to do that. So here it is.

It probably doesn’t make a lot of sense and if it doesn’t to you, that’s okay. Be thankful you’ve never had to deal with it. If it’s something that resonates with you, that’s what I put it out here for and I hope it can make you feel less alone.

This won’t be the last time I talk about this. It’s a foundation for other topics later. But I just had to share that as it was. I’m a non-gaining feedee with a history of disordered eating who has had unintentional massive weight loss who doesn’t want it back and still somehow manages to love her body as it is more days than not and knows she’s not the only one. It’s a mouthful (not the sexy kind) but that’s me.

If that doesn’t sit right with you, ask yourself why, because that’s a you problem.

THE END… for now

Thank you for reading. If any of this resonated and you need someone to talk to, my contact page is always open. I’ve been working on some delicious things during NaNoWriMo and I can’t wait to share them! 

Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

Easing into Things

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Way, way too many things have been going on in my actual real life. Not all of the things are bad (though most are) but still, they are Things and there are wayyy too many of them at the moment.

Even when they kind of slow down, I’m finally able to stop and take a breath only to realize I am coming down with something.

While I haven’t been writing or posting, I have been working on some things for this little corner of the Internet.

But right now I am not in a huge rush to get to it.

One of the few good things that have happened recently was finally getting an ADHD diagnosis and starting treatment. It’s been successful but I find that just learning how to function like an actual adult in ways I didn’t know most people actually do is in and of itself quite a task. A fascinating and enjoyable one (mostly) but a time and energy-consuming one for sure. Interrogating and exploring how I interact with my world, community, and immediate surroundings in a way I never have before is taxing.

A few months ago, the guilt of not being “productive” or meeting arbitrary goals would devour me from the inside. The guilt would then fester all the while my brain was spinning, coming up with a million ideas and mentally reorganizing everything in my life with no ability to execute any of it. It’s incredibly frustrating to basically be stuck in your own mind with no way out.

That’s changing, slowly but surely. But right now I’m mostly enjoying experiencing life with a shred of executive function, connecting my mind and body more often, and just learning how I approach and interact with new and old situations now.

I don’t put any of that pressure on myself anymore, not right now. It’s a lot like learning how to walk again but I’m much more fascinated than intimidated by it. And so that’s primarily my focus.

So what does this all have to do with the deliciously deviant stuff I do around here?

Well…

Things are coming. I’ve finally been able to start putting some things together I’ve wanted to do for years. I’m ready to start talking about some things that I can only say here in this space. And most importantly, I’m working on a fuck ton (official unit of measurement) of stories and other goodies that I can’t wait for everyone to read.

But I’m not in a rush. In a perfect world, I could get these things all done before the end of the year but time is a construct and it doesn’t matter.

I’m going to be closing commissions soon, definitely through the end of the year at least. When I reopen them, they will be restructured.

I’m working on some site and content management-type things. Nothing wild, just new for me and hopefully accessible for you.

I recently shared some previews of projects I’m working on and those, most importantly, will get finished (plus all the ones I didn’t mention 🙂

It’s all coming but it’ll get here eventually. When it’s time.

    No, I’m Not the Mole

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    I would say I’m sorry for the delay but I’m not. Life has been a lot the past couple of weeks outside of this Feabie situation.

    I don’t have the energy to go into full detail with everything and write a whole novella so bear with me. This is just to clear up any rumor or implication that I am somehow a mole for Grokio. I will add more later about the nuance of why what Grokio did was completely unacceptable, but that has become its own beast.

    As most people know this situation started in early-mid September when a Feabie member made a racist comment on a Black member’s post. She (StudioJiggly) reported it and it was declined for a temp ban as it should have been subject to. She pushed back. Grokio admin not only declined further but then warned the reported member and accepted an apology on Jiggly’s behalf. That is not only not their place to do but also violated their own terms of service which clearly state that even if someone did not intend harm, when it is experienced in this manner that a temporary ban is warranted.

    From there on out all hell broke loose.

    Everyone at Feabie finally had enough of admin’s shit. If you know, you know. If you don’t, get a clue. (This is one of those things I am too tired to explain but will go into detail about later).

    There is a LOT that goes on in this part about who said what about whom and all of these things. They are important things for me to comment on and I will but I realized it’s been over two weeks now since my last post about it.

    One of the many reactions to the situation were people choosing to abandon the Grokio ship and jump to Discord in a server called Feabie Refugees. I already had a bad feeling about it as the Feabie format would not translate well to Discord. Still, I joined the server but due to my work schedule was not active in it at all.

    Then one day a lot of temporary and permabans started getting dished out by Feabie—this in and of itself is a hilari-bad reaction on their part that deserves a full explanation when I have the energy for it. They accompanied these bans with this god-awful, deliberately misrepresentative, and flat-out wild blog post “explaining” the situation.

    In that blog post, they have screenshots of me specifically having a specific conversation in one of the channels on the server.

    All of those were part of the discussion I was in and having with everyone. I am blurred out but that is definitely me saying “You’re the ones going around saying…”

    Several people did not like the conversation I was having; I genuinely was trying to get information and understand changes and things like that but also pushing back on some dangerous things that were being said (which is something I will go into another time). I was pretty hyperfocused and it’s definitely understandable why people would not have wanted to continue the conversation.

    However, I was outright accused of being a mole and defending Grokio for pointing out some logistical things to the Feabie Refugees that simply would not make sense and pursuing them would only cause further harm to everyone. If anyone knows me at all, the last thing I would ever do is defend Feabie. I have some thoughts I need to share about that later specifically but for now I am going to leave it at that pointing out what is and is not relevant to the situation or within the scope of appropriate action on Grokio’s part is not the same as defending them in any way.

    At any rate, there was a whole big conversation and then the second things actually got resolved and we understood each other, I was immediately removed from the server within moments of these parts of the conversation.

    Turns out that many people were getting banned back at Feabie just for mentioning the situation (this was what led to the conversation in the Refugee server to begin with) and again, that is a huge mismanagement debacle itself I will discuss another time. The joke’s on Grokio though: by perma-banning me, I’m no longer bound by terms of service; so, screenshots I have hung onto for years can now be shared without repercussion.

    This is getting longer than I thought it would be and I’m not sweeping other critical parts of the context and events under the rug on purpose, I just need to have the energy to discuss them. I am not really active on kink Twitter, I only have one little baby FA-centric gaming server where I talk to two (2) other people about the situation; and I certainly do not have any inroad with the administrators.

    I thought I had a screenshot of when they IP-banned me but I do not. Alas, you will have to accept this for the time being. Just like all of you my emails to them have remained unanswered.

    The next time I talk about this will be about all the other working parts of the situation.

    Sorry this was not more productive. My next post about this will be much more thought-out. I’ve been getting suspiciously high traffic the past few days and felt the need to just crank this out right away.

    Your Eyes Do Not Deceive You

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    There has been a lot going on in the FA world this week. If you use Feabie and have noticed I’m missing (yes, me, the “stop deleting your damn profile you fucking cowards!” person): I got banned, big time.

    I genuinely do not understand why. Well, not specifically. They never provided a reason. But anyone who knows about the dumpster fire going on there recently might have a clue. And yet! There will be surprises, so hang tight.

    It’s a long story and I need to share my side of it and experience.

    But at the moment I am handling real-life stuff; namely, a medical diagnosis. It’s a good one actually and it’s much more relief than anything, but it’s all happening along with this fiasco and I have to put my health first while I adjust to it.

    I’ll be back soon with some updates and details! And you know, the good-good stuff 😉

    Catch-all Catch-up

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    Whatever the hell this is all about

    We’ll get to the good stuff first: I am going to share a few excerpts from upcoming work I’m really excited about.

    Then other stuff after; I owe it to you all. Status of current commissions, taking on new ones, and why things are the way they are.

    The good stuff: excerpts! Bear in mind that these are rough and not edited.

    Selunia Tuberosa

    Curiosity got the better of Sandra. A few more minutes couldn’t hurt. She lowered to her knees, careful to avoid crushing any of the stalks. She resolutely crammed her hands between her bare legs to make sure she did not touch them.

    Sandra peered at the buds. They were perfectly round. Through the petals, she caught a glimpse of something milky white. It didn’t look like a flower or a root bulb. It appeared to be damp or even fluid, as though she could easily tear it open and pop it with a simple prod.

    Sandra sifted through her limited knowledge of floral anatomy. Could it be a stamen or stigma? Maybe even the ovary? She couldn’t tell and knew she was not qualified to determine such things, especially about an alien species.

    The little bulbs enraptured her as the pearly fluid inside swirled. She smoothed her long black hair before cramming her fidgety hands back between her legs, clamping her thighs around them.

    Sandra couldn’t peel her eyes away from the curious plants. The juxtaposition between the rough, fuzzy stalk and its mystical pod captured her attention. Her hands twitched again. She licked her lips, transfixed. Just one touch couldn’t hurt, could it?

    Sandra glanced over one shoulder and then the other. She had been alone this entire time, and there was no reason to believe anyone was with her now. She slowly pulled one hand free and extended it toward the nearest stalk. With just one outstretched finger, she gently brushed the surface of the pod. Her finger imprinted deep on its viscous surface, gently sticking to its whorls and grooves before releasing her.

    It left no residue on her skin but a deep and obvious fingerprint stained the surface of the orb. Sandra swallowed nervously, realizing that something thrummed deep within her, bubbling from her pelvis and catching in her throat. It tickled her insides and prickled along her skin. Something in the atmosphere had changed.

    Understanding dawned on Sandra with instant clarity with just how serious of a crime she had committed by touching the plant. It was time to leave. Now.

    Statute of Limitations*

    Adrian smiled as he reviewed the task list populated by the database. Sanders’ name filled the taste subject field. He had checked a week prior, of course, to jog his memory and prepare. But the day had come, and now he too, could kick back and relax in his own way.

    Oh, it was devious, he knew. Never had he indulged like this before with his own team and with the considerable freedom and resources he had to make his dreams come to life for the good of society, it was certainly a dangerous line to tiptoe over.

    But just once couldn’t hurt, and in any case, it had started purely by incident. It was really Diana’s fault, all things considered. She knew she was toeing the line with her current composition and was too close to falling out of regulation. What she was thinking eating an errant jelly donut in this specific facility was entirely beyond Adrian. She was perhaps the only one on the team as dedicated to the work and regs as he was and certainly would have known better.

    But she ate it, and now she was here, and he was going to enjoy it while he could.

    *working title, likely to change

    Brenda’s Bad Day*

    She stood up straight in the mirror and smoothed her sports bra and capri-length leggings. The fire-engine red base with blue and white racing stripes that matched the set hugged her considerable curves with precision. They had been made for her, after all—just like the dozen or so matching sets in her wardrobe, all manner of different bright colors. It made her hard to miss… which came in handy now and then. With her matching 48” bust and hips that tailored to a flat but thick 32” waist, Brenda was already eye-catching.

    The real shocker was the rich, deep blue of her skin. Some days it was hardly noticeable; at least, compared to days like this. Brenda looked as though blue would just ooze out of her pores and drip everywhere like squeezing a bottle of paint. Some days in the fall and winter she barely looked cyanotic and almost normal. The doctors and scientists had scratched their heads for awhile before giving her some mumbo-jumbo about tannins.

    The bad news was that days like this, when she was this dark, meant that having a little bit of extra fun was a much higher risk. But she wanted to see the look on that manager’s face. Why not give him a little show first thing on a Monday morning?

    Brenda shrugged her shoulders and tapped the buttons. She didn’t really get to work in the lab anymore. Legal wouldn’t even let her near the observation rooms, at least “not yet,” they said. It had been almost a year and nothing had moved forward in that department as far as she knew.

    “Sorry, Bren! Liability!” they’d yell every time she knocked on the door to the suite.

    So, this was her fun. Instead of lying around and just waiting for the lab to run tests on her—so many damn tests, over and over—she went for a run every morning as the staff milled into the complex and sipped their coffees. It was the closest thing she had to going to the park, since that wasn’t allowed anymore, either.

    *also working title and subject to change

    One of this is a commission I’m working on and I have two others in the chute somewhere also. I’m really excited for Statute of Limitations project and can’t wait to share more as it’s going to be a much more ambitious project than you’ve seen from me previously. I started it last summer and had to let the idea bake for awhile but I’m finally starting to assemble it.

    On a personal note, it’s not much of a secret to see from my lack of content this year has been due to a lot going in my life, and none of it any good. It’s been one thing after the next, relentlessly. The past six months have been some of the most traumatic and challenging in my adult life. Not only have I been stuck on the struggle bus but its air conditioner is broken, the engine is misfiring, and the shocks are worn out. That’s the analogy.

    It’s led to a lot of me being in-and-out in these communities in a way I haven’t before. We all have our times we need to take care of other things in our lives but there have been multiple times this year where I am so deeply hurt or triggered by something I just shut down instantly and leave for weeks or months at a time.

    I don’t want to go any deeper into it than I have (you can refer to my earlier posts for context) but I realize I have been struggling a lot with the fact that the traumas and abuse that happen every day in these communities crossed over into my real life. I was always able to separate them before for a number of reasons/purposes and I think that’s why I have the image that I do. I’m known for my assertiveness, courage, self-awareness, commitment to making these communities safer, and of course my art.

    But now I’m finding that I’m in a place where I can’t be just that side of me. And often when people like me who are only seen as strong and outgoing open up about their weaknesses, they are often invalidated, misunderstood, or discarded. We aren’t really “allowed” to show our weakness—and yet the turmoil I’ve endured could only leave one vulnerable and weak while they heal.

    So I just… don’t say anything. The anxiety about it is too strong. I just haven’t had the resources to withstand the usual things that I can, and I’m not used to being like this. Not now, after all the work I’ve done over the years to work through things that have been sliced open again.

    I’m going to stop here because if I dont I’ll just keep rambling, but it’s just a note to say that I am still in a limbo. Just writing is enough of a challenge right now even though I want to so that’s really where most of my energy is going.

    Hopefully in the next update you will finally see some new goodies that you really come here for!

    Thank you for reading my post today! If you enjoyed it, you may also be interested in my erotica or even a commission.

    What to Expect the Rest of the Year

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    Those who are here for the goods: hopefully this month I will start releasing new titles. I don’t really have any other details than that. I have quite a backlog and months ago had a specific number of new things I intended to release this year but life and health have gotten in the way. So we’ll see what happens. I have three commissions ahead of everything else I have in line.

    As for the rest of my usual material—blogs, essays, whatever you call them—don’t expect more anytime soon. Not forever but certainly not in any near future on my calendar.

    I’m spent, y’all. I’ve been in this community for half my life.

    I’ve never pretended to be anyone other than myself here. But many do not understand that Lora is just a narrow, filtered view of me. She’s a part of me but not the whole me.

    And the whole me is exhausted.

    I’m still stuck with the emotional and mental aftermath of what I mentioned before but also a number of other pressing things have collapsed in my life as well. While circumstances are slowly changing, I can’t really think ahead more than a week or two. And I don’t have the energy to contribute anything. I don’t really have anything to say or to give anyone and I don’t know when that will change.