First: for the love of all that is unholy, please stop asking people this question. It’s one thing if it’s in context, like you’re at a bar and someone mentions they’re from out of town. But just during the greetings and the like—on kink networks, the implication is already there.

If you ask me this question, I will not answer it. This is the only time I will: because I’m looking to connect with other weirdos into the same stuff.

That’s it. A lot falls under that umbrella. It’s up to you to actually be a good conversationalist. Asking this question signals you don’t read the room very well.

How about this: instead of asking someone, try you telling them why you’re here (or there… you know what I mean). State your intentions up front! That kind of self-assuredness and confidence is really attractive and opens the conversation.